Q: Why do clarinetists place their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in handicapped spaces.
Q: How many clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds
just the right one.
Q: What's a definition of a nerd?
A: Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
Q: What's the purpose of the bell on a bass clarinet?
A: Storing the ashes from burning the rest of the instrument.
Q: How do you prevent an oboe from being stolen?
A: Put it in a clarinet case.
An oboist noticed one of the clarinetists would look at the inside
flap of his jacket before he sat down to start a rehearsal or concert.
continued for several years, and the oboist became quite curious about
it. One day, during hot weather, the clarinetist took off his jacket
and went off on a break. The oboist waited until everyone was off the
looked around, and sneaked over to the jacket. He pulled back the flap
and saw a little note pinned on the inside. It read: "Left hand
top, right hand bottom."
Q: How do you get a clarinet player to play louder?
A: You can't!
Q: What does an E flat clarinet have in common with a lawsuit?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
Q: What kind of calendar does a freelance clarinetist use for his gigs?
Q: How can you improve the aerodynamics of a freelance clarinetist's car?
A: Remove the pizza delivery sign from the top.
Q: What's the difference between a clarinet and a mouse?
A: You can't hear a mouse squeak over the entire band!
Q: How do you get two E flat clarinetists to play in tune?
A: Shoot one of them.
Q: What do you call an Eb clarinet buried up to its mouthpiece in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired
how she was doing with it. "Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded
her to svitch to a clarinet." "How come?" asked Lars. "Vell," Ole
answered, "because vith a clarinet she can't sing."
Q: What's the pitch of a contrabass clarinet?
A: About ten yards if you have a good arm.
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't
had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription
for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me
week later the guy is back."Doc, still no movement!" The
doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and
prescribes a powerful laxative. Still another week later the poor guy
STILL nothing!"The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get
some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on.
What do you do for a living?" "I'm a freelance clarinetist." The
doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go
get something to eat!"
Q: What's the difference between a B flat clarinet and an E flat clarinet
that have been run over by a car?
A: The B flat has skid marks in front of it.
Q: What's the easiest way to achieve parallel minor seconds?
A: Have two eefers play off the same part.
Q: What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Q: What do you get when you remove half a bass clarinetist’s
A: An even more gifted contrabass clarinetist.
Q: Why do some people take an instant aversion to clarinet players?
A: It saves time in the long run.
Q: What is the difference between an E-flat clarinet and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces.
Q: How many first chair clarinet players does it take to change a light
A: It doesn’t matter. One will do it while the others stand around
and say, "I could have done it better!”
Q: What do first-chair clarinet players use for birth control?
A: Their personality.
Q: What's the main difference between a Bb clarinet and an A clarinet?
A: The A clarinet burns just a bit longer.
Q: How do you get a first-chair clarinetist out of a tree?
A: Cut the noose.
Q: How do you describe an E-flat clarinet?
A: A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximater.
Smear: A technique adopted by clarinet players to negotiate difficult
Did you hear about the first-chair clarinetist who was so arrogant
even other first-chair clarinetists noticed?
Q: How many 2nd and 3rd clarinetists does it take to change a light
A: None, they can't get up that high.
Did you hear about the clarinetist who corresponded for years with
George Burns’ wife? He just loved Gracie notes!!!
Q: What's an E-flat clarinet good for?
A: Torturing an egoistical first chair clarinetist.
"The clarinet is a musical instrument the only thing worse than which is
-- The Devil's Dictionary, by Ambrose Bierce
Q: Why did the cat want to play the clarinet?
A: Because he felt he could relate.
tuba walks up to a clarinet and asks, "Who was that cheap flutesy
I saw you dancing with last night?"
The clarinet angrily retorts, "That
was no flutesy! That was my fife!"
A clarinet came home late and was afraid to face his wife because
he lost the rent money playing polka with his friends!
Two clarinet players walk past a bar. Don’t laugh - it could
Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad clarinetist?
A: A bad clarinetist can kill you.
The soprano, not being smart enough to use birth control, says to
her clarinetist lover, "Honey, I think you better pull out now." He
replies, "Why? Am I sharp?"
Overheard in the audience following a performance of the Weber concertino: "Oooh
I just love Andrew Lloyd Weber!"